ITOB 4: S36E1P3

…I feel like at this point I should clarify that people die a lot in ITOB. From here on out (but mostly here), expect lots of needless maiming and death. ✨yay!✨

[smash cut to BLUE, in the STAFF BREAK ROOM, eating a GLAZED DONUT and seemingly watching a SCREEN located just beneath the CAMERA.]

BLUE: Oh. You’re still here. Well… here’s a short summary of the next three days.

-Glenda-

GLENDA: Heyy guys! Blue just dumped me with this bow in some.. woods… I’m soo excited, I get to live that #natural lifestyle! Okay, I’m going to go hunt something, but likee… vegan hunting. I’m a pioneer, you guys! #vegan #veganlife

-Talon-

TALON, whacking a DEER with his GUN: AMERICA

[TALON takes a bite out of the live DEER with his face]

-Chris-

*CHRIS sitting in some GRASS, nose twitching*

-Shandra and Brian-

SHANDRA: Hey, Brian, how far do you think my grenade launcher shoots?

BRIAN: I don’t know… (:

SHANDRA: I loaded in a potato, let’s find out!

[SHANDRA fires GRENADE LAUNCHER vaguely upward and forward]

BRIAN: uh… are you sure that was a potato?

SHANDRA: Nooo… 

[SHANDRA checks the ammo compartment of her GRENADE LAUNCHER]

SHANDRA, going pale: That wasn’t the potato-

*explosion, screaming in distance*

-Kyle-

KYLE, angrily stomping around in some bushes: stupid orb. Where’s that stupid orb. Gotta find it. Stupid.

*whistling*

KYLE: huh?

[A GRENADE falls from the sky, hitting KYLE head on. He screams briefly as it cuts away.]

BLUE, sipping from mug: RIP Kyle. Anyway-

-Ray-

[RAY is walking towards a pedestal with the golden ORB on it. Choral music plays. They are about to pick it up when suddenly-]

BLUE: Aight this is boring *snap*

[all the CONTESTANTS teleport into the clearing they started in, except KYLE, because KYLE is dead]

BLUE: NOW FIGHT

[TALON and RAY immediately begin fighting. everyone else just stands there.]

[GLENDA starts live streaming. SHANDRA and BRIAN start making small talk. CHRIS is there too.]

[TALON and RAY roll into a bush. A massive BOBCAT leaps out of it and starts mauling them.]

ALL: *miscellaneous screaming*

[the BOBCAT devours CHRIS, KNIFE and all. ]

BLUE: Chris. Rest in violence

RED: That’s not-

BLUE: You will fight valiantly in the skeleton war

RED: …

[Montaging shots of the chaos]

Blue, voiceover: My My! It seems Ray has abandoned the battle to go for the orb! 

OH, GOOD GOLLY! HOW EXCITING! WHY I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS EXCITED IN BLEVENNTY-FOUR YEARS!

BLUE, v/o: Right you are, Announcer! This truly is an exciting day for game show fans! I can tell you’re good at your job by your knowledge of real english numbers!

OH, YOU!

[RAY grabs the ORB]

[BLUE snaps]

[Everyone returns to the game show STAGE. SHANDRA and BRIAN are crouched on the ground, still hiding from the BOBCAT.]

[TALON is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, slowly bleeding out from a number of brutal stab wounds]

TALON, weakly: americaa *wet cough*

[RAY is triumphantly holding the ORB]

BLUE, looking at TALON: gosh! *spins UMBRELLA in a showy sort of way* You sure were stabbed a lot! Francis, come patch him up!

[FRANCIS grabs TALON by his weird bird feet and slowly drags him away, leaving a large puddle and smear of blood. Only four CONTESTANTS remain.]

BLUE: Wow! Only four left! Red, the final four prize money, pleeeeeease?

[RED produces a COMPUTER and types furiously on it for a moment, then looks up, gives a thumbs up, and beams.]

BLUE: Great! Glenda’s up next to spin the wheel- find out what happens next in the next episode of IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*roll credits*

WOW! DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR ALREADY! MAYBE WE SHOULD’VE STARTED WITH MORE CONTESTANTS. NO, THAT’S SILLY. OUR SETUP IS PERFECT! JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!