This is the pilot episode of Is That Our Bus, a completely normal game show run by a couple of eldritch deities who definitely know how game shows work. I don’t know how the Grayscale TV board saw this and decided to pick up the show, but I’m sure someone, somewhere is better off for it.

[the camera shakes chaotically, making loud feedback screeches as it is adjusted. People begin speaking in muffled voices, from offscreen]

BLUE: hey red, *unintelligible* rolling yet?

RED: *unintelligible* think it’s almost *unintelligible* camera, but *unintelligible* okay?

BLUE: let me *unintelligible*

[camera shakes become more violent, audio is a mess]

BLUE, now much less muffled: I think that’ll work, right? 

RED: it mi*audio becomes unintelligible as camera falls to the ground*

BLUE: *unintelligible* CAMERA *unintelligible* KIKI, NOW *unintelligible*

[the audio is unintelligible aside from a series of clicks, camera shows the empty stage (the stage is just a podium in a field) and occasionally moves]

KIKI: That’ll work!

BLUE: GUYS GET ONSTA

*tape fizzes as it goes live*

BLUE: GE WE’RE LIVE

*BLUE, KIKI, RED, and FRANCIS run onstage.*

BLUE: wow, this outfit sucks. 

[She removes her jacket and magics up her now-iconic suit.]

BLUE: Hello and welcome to uhhhhh 

FRANCIS: wait, this show doesn’t even have a name yet?

BLUE: shut up francis

KIKI: Yeah, it’s a disaster! 

COME ON, PEOPLE. GET IT TOGETHER.

BLUE: Who the hell are you?

RED: we’re live, everyone, act normal. Hello and welcome to is that out bus, a brand new game show for your viewing pleasure. Here to tell you more is lilli-

BLUE: blue

RED: your host, Blue!

BLUE: I- right. Thank you, um, red! Uh…

…

Let’s begin! We’re waiting for a bus, and we don’t want to get on the wrong bus! Francis, what do you think? Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: what bus?

BLUE: Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: There isn’t a bus here.

RED, shouting into her phone: STEPH, WE NEED A BUS

STEPH, on speaker: i’m working, I can’t just-

RED: WE’RE LIVE

STEPH: i have passengers, there’s no way that-

BLUE, into red’s phone: I DON’T CARE! BUS!!!!!!

STEPH: okay, fine

*…*

*long, awkward pause*

…….

…….

*tire screeching, slowly increasing in volume*

BLUE: so, Francis, is that our bus?

FRANCIS: probably not

BLUE: we’ll see! 

[a large city bus packed with screaming passengers crashes at high speed into the stage]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

FRANCIS: how are those people alive???

BLUE: why wouldn’t they be? Besides, what fun is a show without a little

[the bus explodes into flames and the screaming abruptly ceases]

BLUE: risk?

OH MY VOID.

FRANCIS: YOU- THOSE- YOU JUST KILLED THEM ALL!!!

BLUE: they’re fine, francis

RED: where am I supposed to get a new bus driver???

FRANCIS: YOU CAN’T JUST SET MORTALS ON FIRE

BLUE: what

FRANCIS: THEY WILL DIE

BLUE: oh no

IS THAT NOT COMMON KNOWLEDGE?

RED: guys, where’s kiki?

BLUE: um…

FRANCIS: KIKI’S ON THE BUS

RED: well, shewill definitely be fine

BLUE: we should probably still do something about all that fire

MOST LIKELY.

FRANCIS: WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS

GUYS THAT WAS MURDER

RED: I’m gonna stop filming

BLUE: THAT’S A WRAP PEOPLE

I’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER ACTION-PACKED EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

[red walks toward the camera. It shakes a bit, then stops filming.]

I’m very excited to finally put this somewhere other than a random google doc… sleep deprived me from two years ago would be so confused and proud

S36E1- First ep after moving from Grayscale TV to Silverscreen Studios

I AM VERY PLEASED TO ONCE MORE BE ABLE TO SAY… YOU’RE WATCHING IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*Intro music plays*

[Lights come on; revealing a closed red curtain with a spotlight on it]

[The curtains slowly open]

[There is the silhouette of a person standing behind the spotlight]

BLUE: Hello polyverse, and welcome back to another season of…

[our wonderful host BLUE steps forward into the spotlight]

BLUE: IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

[the STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers as the lights on the stage come on, revealing seven CONTESTANT PODIUMS among other things in the area.]

BLUE: and can I just say, how honored I am to be your host once again, especially with the show transitioning to Silverscreen TV. Thank you all so much.

*Sentimental pause*

BLUE: Anyway, let’s meet our contestants for today! First, we have Chris.

[CHRIS is a wild rabbit sitting on a CONTESTANT PODIUM. He says nothing, just sits and wiggles his nose in a rabbitlike manner.]

BLUE, shaking her head: Classic Chris. Now, this is… [pulls PAPER out of pocket, squints at it] Talon Muscleguns?

TALON, flexing dramatically: I’m Talon.

[TALON waggles his eyebrows and puts an arm around BLUE. She gently removes it and drops it. He falls to the ground.]

BLUE: Next, meet Ray!

[RAY remains silent- a note appears at the bottom of the screen: “Ray prefers not to speak”]

BLUE: Okay, this is Glenda!

GLENDA, on livestream: Hi, I’m like sooo happy to be here! Heyy followers! It’s me, Glenda! I’m on #IsThatOurBus! Like for more updates!

[GLENDA continues talking indistinctly as BLUE walks further along the line of CONTESTANTS]

BLUE, quietly: yikes…

BLUE: And you’re Shandra- you’re cute

SHANDRA: [blushes]

BLUE: Next we have Kyle!

KYLE: I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to WIN. Don’t be crying when I BEAT Y’ALL.

[BLUE visibly cringes]

BLUE: And finally, this is Brian.

BRIAN: Hi! I really hope I do well, I’m really… terrified, actually…

I haven’t heard good things about what happens to the people on this show…

BLUE: Aw, don’t worry, you’ll do great!

[BRIAN looks comforted]

BLUE: Unless of course you don’t, in which case, I can’t help you. 

[BRIAN looks queasy]

BLUE: Okay, that’s it for our contestants today! Next, we’ll get into the show after this short break! Chris, you’re up first- Francis, get the wheel.

WOW! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WITH THIS COLORFUL CAST OF CHARACTERS! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE ADS WITH IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

I have quite a backlog to get through for these. I don’t know if I have enough mildly interesting messages to put in italics at the beginning of every post. Sorry, people.

[FRANCIS drags the WHEEL OF WHEEL onstage with an irritated expression.]

BLUE: Alright Chris, time to SPIN THE WHEEL and decide what we’re doing today!

[CHRIS does nothing]

BLUE: spin the wheel?

[CHRIS twitches his nose and hops away a couple times. It’s a wonder he hasn’t run away yet.  BLUE picks him up and places him back in front of THE WHEEL]

BLUE: Would my lovely assistant please come spin the wheel for Chris?

[FRANCIS looks on enviously as RED walks onstage.]

RED: I’d be delighted! Good luck, Chris!

[RED spins the WHEEL OF WHEEL]

WHEEL OF WHEEL: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*there is a long, uncomfortable pause*

*the WHEEL comes to a stop at ‘Woods’*

*the pause continues*

*…*

*the WHEEL dings*

BLUE: Alright! It’s time for…

*dramatic*

BLUE: WOODS!

*BLUE snaps her fingers*

[they are now in the woods]

BLUE: Here are the rules: 

Got it? Good.

[CONTESTANTS look at each other in confusion]

BLUE: Ok! Your weapons are under your contestant tables. Good luck have fun!

[all CONTESTANTS have their WEAPONS, except CHRIS.]

BLUE, looking at Chris: Uh… Chris… weapons…

[CHRIS does nothing]

BLUE: *sigh* Lovely assistant, would you help our friend Chris here… ?

RED: Absolutely!

*RED duct tapes a KNIFE haphazardly onto CHRIS.*

RED, hands on hips, nodding: Perfect.

BLUE: LET THE GAMES BEGIN-

SHANDRA, faintly: wait but what are we doing-

[BLUE snaps her fingers and all of the game show EQUIPMENT poofs away, including BLUE, the CREW, and STUDIO AUDIENCE. All that remains are the CONTESTANTS and their WEAPONS.]

(Chris has a short knife, Talon has an unloaded hunting rifle, Ray has a large number of long, blunted knives, Glenda has a bow & arrows, Shandra has a grenade launcher with four grenades, Kyle has a blowgun with seven darts, Brian has a mace)

[the CONTESTANTS look around.]

BRIAN: soooo…

[GLENDA has begun live streaming]

BLUE, over intercom: *horrific feedback screech, everyone winces* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FIND THE ORB! GO! FIGHT EACH OTHER! *deeply distressing sounds* *clunk*

KYLE, running into the woods: BYE SUCKERS

[CHRIS hops away into a bush]

TALON, with ze bloodlust: hehehe

[TALON attempts to shoot/massacre the other CONTESTANTS, but his gun is unloaded. GLENDA angrily walks up to him.]

GLENDA: Excuse me? Did you just??? Try to SHOOT ME??? That is, like, SO RUDE! omigod. I blame the SOCIAL MEDIA INTERNET. You’d calm down if you tried VEGANISM and PILATES. 

TALON, scoffing: Veganism? I only eat RAW STEAK! FREEDOM! 

GLENDA: I CANNOT EVEN.

[GLENDA storms away into the woods, angrily live streaming.]

TALON, running into a tree and subsequently vanishing into the woods: AMERICAAAA

[BRIAN and SHANDRA are the only ones left in the clearing. RAY has disappeared, not literally, but RAY is now in the woods. They look at each other.]

BRIAN: Truce?

SHANDRA: Truce.

WOW! I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING TO KNOW EVERYONE SO WELL. IT’S ALMOST ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SHED A TEAR OR TWO… BUT THESE EYES OF MINE DON’T HAVE TEAR DUCTS ANYMORE. I SHOULD REALLY KEEP THOSE BITS NEXT TIME I’M OUT COLLECTING. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH, RIGHT. GOLLY, I SURE DO HOPE NO ONE DIES! THAT’D BE BAD! ANYWAY! THAT’S ALL FOR NOW ON IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

…I feel like at this point I should clarify that people die a lot in ITOB. From here on out (but mostly here), expect lots of needless maiming and death. ✨yay!✨

[smash cut to BLUE, in the STAFF BREAK ROOM, eating a GLAZED DONUT and seemingly watching a SCREEN located just beneath the CAMERA.]

BLUE: Oh. You’re still here. Well… here’s a short summary of the next three days.

-Glenda-

GLENDA: Heyy guys! Blue just dumped me with this bow in some.. woods… I’m soo excited, I get to live that #natural lifestyle! Okay, I’m going to go hunt something, but likee… vegan hunting. I’m a pioneer, you guys! #vegan #veganlife

-Talon-

TALON, whacking a DEER with his GUN: AMERICA

[TALON takes a bite out of the live DEER with his face]

-Chris-

*CHRIS sitting in some GRASS, nose twitching*

-Shandra and Brian-

SHANDRA: Hey, Brian, how far do you think my grenade launcher shoots?

BRIAN: I don’t know… (:

SHANDRA: I loaded in a potato, let’s find out!

[SHANDRA fires GRENADE LAUNCHER vaguely upward and forward]

BRIAN: uh… are you sure that was a potato?

SHANDRA: Nooo… 

[SHANDRA checks the ammo compartment of her GRENADE LAUNCHER]

SHANDRA, going pale: That wasn’t the potato-

*explosion, screaming in distance*

-Kyle-

KYLE, angrily stomping around in some bushes: stupid orb. Where’s that stupid orb. Gotta find it. Stupid.

*whistling*

KYLE: huh?

[A GRENADE falls from the sky, hitting KYLE head on. He screams briefly as it cuts away.]

BLUE, sipping from mug: RIP Kyle. Anyway-

-Ray-

[RAY is walking towards a pedestal with the golden ORB on it. Choral music plays. They are about to pick it up when suddenly-]

BLUE: Aight this is boring *snap*

[all the CONTESTANTS teleport into the clearing they started in, except KYLE, because KYLE is dead]

BLUE: NOW FIGHT

[TALON and RAY immediately begin fighting. everyone else just stands there.]

[GLENDA starts live streaming. SHANDRA and BRIAN start making small talk. CHRIS is there too.]

[TALON and RAY roll into a bush. A massive BOBCAT leaps out of it and starts mauling them.]

ALL: *miscellaneous screaming*

[the BOBCAT devours CHRIS, KNIFE and all. ]

BLUE: Chris. Rest in violence

RED: That’s not-

BLUE: You will fight valiantly in the skeleton war

RED: …

[Montaging shots of the chaos]

Blue, voiceover: My My! It seems Ray has abandoned the battle to go for the orb! 

OH, GOOD GOLLY! HOW EXCITING! WHY I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS EXCITED IN BLEVENNTY-FOUR YEARS!

BLUE, v/o: Right you are, Announcer! This truly is an exciting day for game show fans! I can tell you’re good at your job by your knowledge of real english numbers!

OH, YOU!

[RAY grabs the ORB]

[BLUE snaps]

[Everyone returns to the game show STAGE. SHANDRA and BRIAN are crouched on the ground, still hiding from the BOBCAT.]

[TALON is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, slowly bleeding out from a number of brutal stab wounds]

TALON, weakly: americaa *wet cough*

[RAY is triumphantly holding the ORB]

BLUE, looking at TALON: gosh! *spins UMBRELLA in a showy sort of way* You sure were stabbed a lot! Francis, come patch him up!

[FRANCIS grabs TALON by his weird bird feet and slowly drags him away, leaving a large puddle and smear of blood. Only four CONTESTANTS remain.]

BLUE: Wow! Only four left! Red, the final four prize money, pleeeeeease?

[RED produces a COMPUTER and types furiously on it for a moment, then looks up, gives a thumbs up, and beams.]

BLUE: Great! Glenda’s up next to spin the wheel- find out what happens next in the next episode of IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*roll credits*

WOW! DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR ALREADY! MAYBE WE SHOULD’VE STARTED WITH MORE CONTESTANTS. NO, THAT’S SILLY. OUR SETUP IS PERFECT! JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

BLUE, voiceover: I’m Blue, your host, and while I’d loveto get into the action, I first have to 

recap for you LOSERS who missed the last episode.

BLUE, in a much more dramatic voice over:

previously on is that our bus:

[A clip of everyone standing around in the woods shows on screen.]

[Clips from all 2.5 deaths in episode one are displayed in quick succession.]

BLUE, v/o: Talon’s still in the hospital, ‘cuz he’s a loser, so today’s contestants are 

[A short clip of TALON in a hospital bed with american flag bedsheets is shown under BLUE’s voiceover.]

BLUE, onstage with today’s CONTESTANTS: (ambivalently/pleasantly) Ray, (annoyed) Glenda, and shAnDRa~ And now, it’s Glenda’s turn to spin the WHEEL OF WHEEL and choose today’s game! Francis!

[FRANCIS struggles to drag the WHEEL OF WHEEL onstage. He finally gets it into position and kicks it before storming away. It hisses in annoyance. GLENDA has begun live streaming.]

GLENDA: Heyy guys, It’s my turn to spin the #WHEELOFWHEEL, so #wishmeluck! Put in the comments what you think I’ll get yall! ILYGSM YAHAFBNAHAM OMG ROF-

BLUE: HASHTAG GET OVER HERE AND SPIN THE WHEEL BEFORE I HASHTAG MAKE YOU

GLENDA: omigod, I canNOT handle this NEGATIVE ENERGY, you couldn’t even bother to use REAL HASHTAGS. omigod. People were never this RUDE before SOCIAL MEDIA INTERNET took over the world. Have you even tried YOGA. I have MORE FOLLOWERS than you-

BLUE, holding a KNIFE: hashtag don’t make me mad glenda

GLENDA, anxiously: omigod… i cannot even…

[GLENDA’s screen nervously glitches as she backs away.]

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? I’M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT! SOMEONE SPILLED SOMETHING ON IT SO I DON’T WANT TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE IT’S ALL… WET AND GROSS. WAS IT YOU, SEAN? DID YOU SPILL ON THIS CHAIR? DON’T LIE! WE BOTH KNOW THAT’S YOUR COFFEE! YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO DRINKS THAT GARBAGE! OH, RIGHT. STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT ON IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*cut to commercial*

[GLENDA spins the WHEEL OF WHEEL.]

WOW: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[The WHEEL continues spinning but the sound fades.]

GLENDA: OMIGOD, that SOUND is SO ANNOYING-

WOW: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

GLENDA: wow, I feel violated-

WOW: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE->:(

BLUE: alright stop that you two.

GLENDA sighs*: #omigod…

[BLUE stops the WHEEL instantly with her UMBRELLA. It has landed on ‘IS THAT OUR BUS?’]

*BLUE gasps dramatically*

BLUE: It’s time for our signature event: IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers*

BLUE: you can stop now

*cheering continues*

BLUE: that’s enough, guys

*cheering continues*

[BLUE whips out a REMOTE, points it at them, and presses a button. A ‘mute’ icon appears on screen and the cheering ceases abruptly, leaving a sense of emptiness in the sudden silence]

BLUE: That’s right folks! These lucky individuals will experience our most famous, high octane, horrifying, incredible, 

weird, wacky, outrageous, SPECTACULAR game: IS! THAT! OUR! BUS! 

WOW! UP NEXT ON IS THAT OUR BUS: I DON’T KNOW! NO ONE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PROPHET, OR, OR- UH… SOMETHING? I’M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH TO MESS WITH FATE! STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

*cut to commercial*

BLUE: That’s right folks! These lucky individuals will experience our most famous, high octane, horrifying, incredible, 

[RED leans onscreen and carefully removes an incredibly small, incredibly thick BOOK labeled ‘12th Edition Instant Pocket Thesaurus: now with MORE ADJECTIVES!’ from BLUE’s pocket]

BLUE: weird, wacky, outrageous, SPECTACULAR game! Francis, if you will?

[FRANCIS drags the TICKET MACHINE onstage, muttering bitterly. It tries to bite him, so he bites it to assert dominance.]

BLUE: Step right up and buy a ticket! *She gestures with her UMBRELLA.*

[The film cuts forward with a horrifying screech, resuming at GLENDA purchasing a TICKET. She swipes a CARD. It declines. The kind-hearted TICKET MACHINE gently extends a long, glistening tongue, silently consumes her CARD, and spits out the TICKET.]

GLENDA, quietly, as she walks away: #omigod #literally

BLUE: Now, time to wait for a bus!

[color screen shows, elevator music plays]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

BLUE: That’s right! A bus seems to be headed our way! [points at GLENDA] GLENDA, IS THAT OUR BUS?

GLENDA: I’ve already got some prize money, and I don’t want to get greedy, so…

GLENDA: THAT’S! NOT! OUR! BUS!

BLUE: Let’s see if you’re right! Spin the WHEEL OF BUS!

[The STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers silently as FRANCIS storms onstage, dragging the WHEEL OF BUS into view, his many hands straining to grip its awkward bulk. The mute icon reappears, and shows the volume increasing as the volume of the cheers does just that]

GLENDA: I’m about to spin the #wheelofbus you guys!!! omigod! I bet it’s #notourbus, let’s see if I’m right! #isthatourbus #itob 

[BLUE can be seen in the background rolling her eyes. GLENDA spins the WHEEL OF BUS. It lands on a picture of a HOUSEPLANT. This same HOUSEPLANT falls from the ceiling, nearly hitting FRANCIS. It smashes to bits as it lands]

FRANCIS, dodging a houseplant: AAUGH

BLUE: Congratulations! THAT’S! NOT! OUR! BUS! 

ALL: THAT’S! NOT! OUR! BUS!

BLUE: You win absolutely nothing! *jazz hands* yayyy!

GLENDA, already livestreaming again: Heyy you guys! I was right! It was #notourbus!

BLUE: glenda no

GLENDA: glenda yes

BLUE: Okay then! It’s time once again to wait for a bus!

YOU HEARD HER! WAIT FOR THE BUS! I’M SURE IT’LL COME EVENTUALLY! YOU BETTER BE HERE TO SEE IT! YOU BETTER! YOU BETTER! ! STAY TUNED TO SEE IF THE BUS COMES!

*cut to commercial*

BLUE: Okay then! It’s time once again to wait for a bus!

[color screen shows, elevator music plays]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

SHANDRA, quietly: are you going to do that every time, orr-

BLUE: Thaaaat’s right! A bus seems to be headed our way! [points at RAY] RAY, IS THAT OUR BUS?

[RAY remains silent, standing unnervingly still.]

BLUE: ahem

BLUE: RAY, IS THAT OUR BUS?

RAY: …

*RAY slowly presses a button on their podium with one of their claw limbs.*

BLUE: RAY SAYS THAT’S! NOT! OUR! BUS!

BLUE: Ray, would you please spin the WHEEL OF BUS?

RAY: …

[RAY spins the WHEEL OF BUS with great force. It sparks as it spins. BLUE was leaning on it, so she is flung into the ceiling by RAY’s force. She gently drifts back down with her many wings spread, seemingly unharmed. The WHEEL lands on “bus number 275 yo”]

[BUS NUMBER 275 falls from the ceiling. FRANCIS has to run out of the way to avoid getting crushed. That guy needs a raise.]

BLUE: Tickets, pleeeeease!

[RAY hands BLUE their TICKET]

BLUE: Ray, you were wrong! This is, in fact, OUR BUS!

WOW! WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED? WAIT, DID SHE EVER EXPLAIN THE RULES OF THIS GAME? RAY LOST, RIGHT? I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW, SO STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

*cut to commercial*

Part 5

BLUE: Ray, you were wrong! This is, in fact, OUR BUS! You win a turn in the BOX OF MYSTERY!

*STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps*

SHANDRA: What’s in the box of mystery?

BLUE: IT’S A MYSTERY!!!

BLUE: francis.

[FRANCIS drags the BOX OF MYSTERY onstage. He looks angry, as always.]

BLUE: Ray, claim your prize.

[RAY steps into the BOX OF MYSTERY, which emits a large gust of wind that blows SHANDRA’s hair all over the place. GLENDA takes a picture of her. RAY returns holding a FULL-SIZED TWIX WRAPPER, candy not included.]

SHANDRA: Is that a candy wrapper???

BLUE, nodding sagely: yes.

SHANDRA: why… Why is that there?

BLUE: …

BLUE, making ‘spooky hands’ (her words, not mine): ✨MYSTERY✨

BLUE: Alright! That’s it for today’s episode of IS! THAT! OUR! BUS! Stay tuned for more “bus-riffic”^™fun! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON IS THAT OUR BUS! I CAN SEE YOU, BY THE WAY. YOU LOOK GREAT TODAY! EXCEPT FOR YOU, JOE. YEAH, YOU. LOSE THAT TIE. IT’S UGLY.

*roll credits*

WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE, TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS! I DON’T REMEMBER WHO BRIAN IS, BUT HE’S IN THIS EPISODE A LOT MORE THAN LAST TIME SO I SURE HOPE YOU DO! 

BLUE, dramatically: Glenda and Ray already played IS THAT OUR BUS, and Talon’s back now. The others still have to take their turns. Talon, anything you wanna say?

TALON, in a reality-show-esque confessional booth: I wanted to share something very important to me, from my culture.

[TALON pulls out an AMERICAN FLAG ELECTRIC GUITAR and a MICROPHONE]

TALON: 🎵🎶TAKE ME HOOOOOOOOME, COUNTRY ROOOOOOOADSS, TO THE PLAAAAAAACE, I BELOOOOOOOONG, WEST VIRGINIAAAAAAAA, 🎵🎶

[TALON continues quietly in the background. Cut to BLUE, sitting on her COUCH and watching a TV screen quizzically. She is eating a GLAZED DONUT.]

BLUE, stricken: i’ve failed you 

[TALON cuts off in the middle of the second “COUNTRY ROOOOOOOOADS”]

BLUE: OOOkay! BRIAN is UP FIRST! LEEEEEEtttsssssss WAIT FOR A BUS!

[color screen shows, elevator music plays]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

BRIAN, quietly: sooo you’re seriously going to do that every time huh

BLUE: That’s right! A bus seems to be headed our way! [points at BRIAN] BRIAN, IS THAT OUR BUS?

BRIAN: um… okay. Yes! That’s! Our! Bus!

*the STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps*

WOW! I WONDER IF BRIAN WAS RIGHT! THIS IS SO EXCITING! 

*cut to commercial*

BLUE: [points at BRIAN] BRIAN, IS THAT OUR BUS?

BRIAN: um… okay. Yes! That’s! Our! Bus!

*The STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.*

BLUE, leaning on her UMBRELLA: Brian, you know what to do! 

[BRIAN spins the WHEEL OF BUS. it lands on “DEATH.”]

BLUE: CONGRATULATIONS on your WINNING SPIN!

BRIAN: Oh! Thank you! wait, ‘death’?

BLUE: DEATH!!!!!!!!11!1!!11!!!1!!11

[A TRAPDOOR opens in the floor under BRIAN. He falls, screaming.]

BRIAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH

[BLUE stands over the TRAPDOOR, looking into it contemplatively.]

*BRIAN continues screaming*

*screaming fades*

*silence*

*screaming begins again*

[camera cuts to everyone’s faces:

(Glenda is concerned in an angry/horrified way, Shandra is concerned in a sad way, Talon is making two guns tenderly kiss and hasn’t even noticed the screaming, Ray is expressionless, as always, Blue is still considering the trapdoor.)]

*screaming fades*

*silence*

*awkward pause*

BLUE: rip brian

RIP BRIAN INDEED! THAT WOULD’VE BEEN SO IMPACTFUL IF WE’D HAD ANY TIME TO GET TO KNOW HIM… WELL, GOOD THING THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN! WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER BRIAN’S DEATH AFTER THIS SHORT BREAK! 

*cut to commercial*