ITOB 1: Pilot

This is the pilot episode of Is That Our Bus, a completely normal game show run by a couple of eldritch deities who definitely know how game shows work. I don’t know how the Grayscale TV board saw this and decided to pick up the show, but I’m sure someone, somewhere is better off for it.

[the camera shakes chaotically, making loud feedback screeches as it is adjusted. People begin speaking in muffled voices, from offscreen]

BLUE: hey red, *unintelligible* rolling yet?

RED: *unintelligible* think it’s almost *unintelligible* camera, but *unintelligible* okay?

BLUE: let me *unintelligible*

[camera shakes become more violent, audio is a mess]

BLUE, now much less muffled: I think that’ll work, right? 

RED: it mi*audio becomes unintelligible as camera falls to the ground*

BLUE: *unintelligible* CAMERA *unintelligible* KIKI, NOW *unintelligible*

[the audio is unintelligible aside from a series of clicks, camera shows the empty stage (the stage is just a podium in a field) and occasionally moves]

KIKI: That’ll work!

BLUE: GUYS GET ONSTA

*tape fizzes as it goes live*

BLUE: GE WE’RE LIVE

*BLUE, KIKI, RED, and FRANCIS run onstage.*

BLUE: wow, this outfit sucks. 

[She removes her jacket and magics up her now-iconic suit.]

BLUE: Hello and welcome to uhhhhh 

FRANCIS: wait, this show doesn’t even have a name yet?

BLUE: shut up francis

KIKI: Yeah, it’s a disaster! 

COME ON, PEOPLE. GET IT TOGETHER.

BLUE: Who the hell are you?

RED: we’re live, everyone, act normal. Hello and welcome to is that out bus, a brand new game show for your viewing pleasure. Here to tell you more is lilli-

BLUE: blue

RED: your host, Blue!

BLUE: I- right. Thank you, um, red! Uh…

…

Let’s begin! We’re waiting for a bus, and we don’t want to get on the wrong bus! Francis, what do you think? Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: what bus?

BLUE: Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: There isn’t a bus here.

RED, shouting into her phone: STEPH, WE NEED A BUS

STEPH, on speaker: i’m working, I can’t just-

RED: WE’RE LIVE

STEPH: i have passengers, there’s no way that-

BLUE, into red’s phone: I DON’T CARE! BUS!!!!!!

STEPH: okay, fine

*…*

*long, awkward pause*

…….

…….

*tire screeching, slowly increasing in volume*

BLUE: so, Francis, is that our bus?

FRANCIS: probably not

BLUE: we’ll see! 

[a large city bus packed with screaming passengers crashes at high speed into the stage]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

FRANCIS: how are those people alive???

BLUE: why wouldn’t they be? Besides, what fun is a show without a little

[the bus explodes into flames and the screaming abruptly ceases]

BLUE: risk?

OH MY VOID.

FRANCIS: YOU- THOSE- YOU JUST KILLED THEM ALL!!!

BLUE: they’re fine, francis

RED: where am I supposed to get a new bus driver???

FRANCIS: YOU CAN’T JUST SET MORTALS ON FIRE

BLUE: what

FRANCIS: THEY WILL DIE

BLUE: oh no

IS THAT NOT COMMON KNOWLEDGE?

RED: guys, where’s kiki?

BLUE: um…

FRANCIS: KIKI’S ON THE BUS

RED: well, shewill definitely be fine

BLUE: we should probably still do something about all that fire

MOST LIKELY.

FRANCIS: WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS

GUYS THAT WAS MURDER

RED: I’m gonna stop filming

BLUE: THAT’S A WRAP PEOPLE

I’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER ACTION-PACKED EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

[red walks toward the camera. It shakes a bit, then stops filming.]