Author: Liz C

I have quite a backlog to get through for these. I don’t know if I have enough mildly interesting messages to put in italics at the beginning of every post. Sorry, people.

[FRANCIS drags the WHEEL OF WHEEL onstage with an irritated expression.]

BLUE: Alright Chris, time to SPIN THE WHEEL and decide what we’re doing today!

[CHRIS does nothing]

BLUE: spin the wheel?

[CHRIS twitches his nose and hops away a couple times. It’s a wonder he hasn’t run away yet.  BLUE picks him up and places him back in front of THE WHEEL]

BLUE: Would my lovely assistant please come spin the wheel for Chris?

[FRANCIS looks on enviously as RED walks onstage.]

RED: I’d be delighted! Good luck, Chris!

[RED spins the WHEEL OF WHEEL]

WHEEL OF WHEEL: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*there is a long, uncomfortable pause*

*the WHEEL comes to a stop at ‘Woods’*

*the pause continues*

*…*

*the WHEEL dings*

BLUE: Alright! It’s time for…

*dramatic*

BLUE: WOODS!

*BLUE snaps her fingers*

[they are now in the woods]

BLUE: Here are the rules: 

Got it? Good.

[CONTESTANTS look at each other in confusion]

BLUE: Ok! Your weapons are under your contestant tables. Good luck have fun!

[all CONTESTANTS have their WEAPONS, except CHRIS.]

BLUE, looking at Chris: Uh… Chris… weapons…

[CHRIS does nothing]

BLUE: *sigh* Lovely assistant, would you help our friend Chris here… ?

RED: Absolutely!

*RED duct tapes a KNIFE haphazardly onto CHRIS.*

RED, hands on hips, nodding: Perfect.

BLUE: LET THE GAMES BEGIN-

SHANDRA, faintly: wait but what are we doing-

[BLUE snaps her fingers and all of the game show EQUIPMENT poofs away, including BLUE, the CREW, and STUDIO AUDIENCE. All that remains are the CONTESTANTS and their WEAPONS.]

(Chris has a short knife, Talon has an unloaded hunting rifle, Ray has a large number of long, blunted knives, Glenda has a bow & arrows, Shandra has a grenade launcher with four grenades, Kyle has a blowgun with seven darts, Brian has a mace)

[the CONTESTANTS look around.]

BRIAN: soooo…

[GLENDA has begun live streaming]

BLUE, over intercom: *horrific feedback screech, everyone winces* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FIND THE ORB! GO! FIGHT EACH OTHER! *deeply distressing sounds* *clunk*

KYLE, running into the woods: BYE SUCKERS

[CHRIS hops away into a bush]

TALON, with ze bloodlust: hehehe

[TALON attempts to shoot/massacre the other CONTESTANTS, but his gun is unloaded. GLENDA angrily walks up to him.]

GLENDA: Excuse me? Did you just??? Try to SHOOT ME??? That is, like, SO RUDE! omigod. I blame the SOCIAL MEDIA INTERNET. You’d calm down if you tried VEGANISM and PILATES. 

TALON, scoffing: Veganism? I only eat RAW STEAK! FREEDOM! 

GLENDA: I CANNOT EVEN.

[GLENDA storms away into the woods, angrily live streaming.]

TALON, running into a tree and subsequently vanishing into the woods: AMERICAAAA

[BRIAN and SHANDRA are the only ones left in the clearing. RAY has disappeared, not literally, but RAY is now in the woods. They look at each other.]

BRIAN: Truce?

SHANDRA: Truce.

WOW! I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING TO KNOW EVERYONE SO WELL. IT’S ALMOST ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SHED A TEAR OR TWO… BUT THESE EYES OF MINE DON’T HAVE TEAR DUCTS ANYMORE. I SHOULD REALLY KEEP THOSE BITS NEXT TIME I’M OUT COLLECTING. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH, RIGHT. GOLLY, I SURE DO HOPE NO ONE DIES! THAT’D BE BAD! ANYWAY! THAT’S ALL FOR NOW ON IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

I’m very excited to finally put this somewhere other than a random google doc… sleep deprived me from two years ago would be so confused and proud

S36E1- First ep after moving from Grayscale TV to Silverscreen Studios

I AM VERY PLEASED TO ONCE MORE BE ABLE TO SAY… YOU’RE WATCHING IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

*Intro music plays*

[Lights come on; revealing a closed red curtain with a spotlight on it]

[The curtains slowly open]

[There is the silhouette of a person standing behind the spotlight]

BLUE: Hello polyverse, and welcome back to another season of…

[our wonderful host BLUE steps forward into the spotlight]

BLUE: IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

[the STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers as the lights on the stage come on, revealing seven CONTESTANT PODIUMS among other things in the area.]

BLUE: and can I just say, how honored I am to be your host once again, especially with the show transitioning to Silverscreen TV. Thank you all so much.

*Sentimental pause*

BLUE: Anyway, let’s meet our contestants for today! First, we have Chris.

[CHRIS is a wild rabbit sitting on a CONTESTANT PODIUM. He says nothing, just sits and wiggles his nose in a rabbitlike manner.]

BLUE, shaking her head: Classic Chris. Now, this is… [pulls PAPER out of pocket, squints at it] Talon Muscleguns?

TALON, flexing dramatically: I’m Talon.

[TALON waggles his eyebrows and puts an arm around BLUE. She gently removes it and drops it. He falls to the ground.]

BLUE: Next, meet Ray!

[RAY remains silent- a note appears at the bottom of the screen: “Ray prefers not to speak”]

BLUE: Okay, this is Glenda!

GLENDA, on livestream: Hi, I’m like sooo happy to be here! Heyy followers! It’s me, Glenda! I’m on #IsThatOurBus! Like for more updates!

[GLENDA continues talking indistinctly as BLUE walks further along the line of CONTESTANTS]

BLUE, quietly: yikes…

BLUE: And you’re Shandra- you’re cute

SHANDRA: [blushes]

BLUE: Next we have Kyle!

KYLE: I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to WIN. Don’t be crying when I BEAT Y’ALL.

[BLUE visibly cringes]

BLUE: And finally, this is Brian.

BRIAN: Hi! I really hope I do well, I’m really… terrified, actually…

I haven’t heard good things about what happens to the people on this show…

BLUE: Aw, don’t worry, you’ll do great!

[BRIAN looks comforted]

BLUE: Unless of course you don’t, in which case, I can’t help you. 

[BRIAN looks queasy]

BLUE: Okay, that’s it for our contestants today! Next, we’ll get into the show after this short break! Chris, you’re up first- Francis, get the wheel.

WOW! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WITH THIS COLORFUL CAST OF CHARACTERS! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE ADS WITH IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

This is the pilot episode of Is That Our Bus, a completely normal game show run by a couple of eldritch deities who definitely know how game shows work. I don’t know how the Grayscale TV board saw this and decided to pick up the show, but I’m sure someone, somewhere is better off for it.

[the camera shakes chaotically, making loud feedback screeches as it is adjusted. People begin speaking in muffled voices, from offscreen]

BLUE: hey red, *unintelligible* rolling yet?

RED: *unintelligible* think it’s almost *unintelligible* camera, but *unintelligible* okay?

BLUE: let me *unintelligible*

[camera shakes become more violent, audio is a mess]

BLUE, now much less muffled: I think that’ll work, right? 

RED: it mi*audio becomes unintelligible as camera falls to the ground*

BLUE: *unintelligible* CAMERA *unintelligible* KIKI, NOW *unintelligible*

[the audio is unintelligible aside from a series of clicks, camera shows the empty stage (the stage is just a podium in a field) and occasionally moves]

KIKI: That’ll work!

BLUE: GUYS GET ONSTA

*tape fizzes as it goes live*

BLUE: GE WE’RE LIVE

*BLUE, KIKI, RED, and FRANCIS run onstage.*

BLUE: wow, this outfit sucks. 

[She removes her jacket and magics up her now-iconic suit.]

BLUE: Hello and welcome to uhhhhh 

FRANCIS: wait, this show doesn’t even have a name yet?

BLUE: shut up francis

KIKI: Yeah, it’s a disaster! 

COME ON, PEOPLE. GET IT TOGETHER.

BLUE: Who the hell are you?

RED: we’re live, everyone, act normal. Hello and welcome to is that out bus, a brand new game show for your viewing pleasure. Here to tell you more is lilli-

BLUE: blue

RED: your host, Blue!

BLUE: I- right. Thank you, um, red! Uh…

…

Let’s begin! We’re waiting for a bus, and we don’t want to get on the wrong bus! Francis, what do you think? Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: what bus?

BLUE: Is that our bus?

FRANCIS: There isn’t a bus here.

RED, shouting into her phone: STEPH, WE NEED A BUS

STEPH, on speaker: i’m working, I can’t just-

RED: WE’RE LIVE

STEPH: i have passengers, there’s no way that-

BLUE, into red’s phone: I DON’T CARE! BUS!!!!!!

STEPH: okay, fine

*…*

*long, awkward pause*

…….

…….

*tire screeching, slowly increasing in volume*

BLUE: so, Francis, is that our bus?

FRANCIS: probably not

BLUE: we’ll see! 

[a large city bus packed with screaming passengers crashes at high speed into the stage]

BLUE: OH MY GOSH A BUS

FRANCIS: how are those people alive???

BLUE: why wouldn’t they be? Besides, what fun is a show without a little

[the bus explodes into flames and the screaming abruptly ceases]

BLUE: risk?

OH MY VOID.

FRANCIS: YOU- THOSE- YOU JUST KILLED THEM ALL!!!

BLUE: they’re fine, francis

RED: where am I supposed to get a new bus driver???

FRANCIS: YOU CAN’T JUST SET MORTALS ON FIRE

BLUE: what

FRANCIS: THEY WILL DIE

BLUE: oh no

IS THAT NOT COMMON KNOWLEDGE?

RED: guys, where’s kiki?

BLUE: um…

FRANCIS: KIKI’S ON THE BUS

RED: well, she will definitely be fine

BLUE: we should probably still do something about all that fire

MOST LIKELY.

FRANCIS: WHY ARE YOU ALL BEING SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THIS

GUYS THAT WAS MURDER

RED: I’m gonna stop filming

BLUE: THAT’S A WRAP PEOPLE

I’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER ACTION-PACKED EPISODE OF IS! THAT! OUR! BUS!

[red walks toward the camera. It shakes a bit, then stops filming.]